Scary jokes or black humor. Eduard Uspensky, Andrey Usachev - The most terrible horrors. Creepy stories Why are we afraid

It is not by chance that we have collected funny stories at the end of the book. As Marx said, "Humanity, laughing, parted with its past." In this case, children - with their childish horrors. The stories in the last section are not strictly anecdotes. For the most part, these are full-fledged parodies of the most typical scary stories. Their very existence testifies to the overcoming of fear by children, to their growing out of childhood horrors. Succumbing to the temptation of classification, we have collected these stories in a separate section. Although psychologically it was better to tell them mixed with scary stories. We hope that, having lost in entertainment, the book has significantly won in scientific content.

coffin on wheels

One girl was sitting at home and playing. Suddenly the radio announces:

A COFFIN ON WHEELS RIDES THE CITY! ALL CLOSE THE WINDOWS AND DOORS!

The girl did not listen. A minute later the radio announces again:

"Girl, girl, close the door. A coffin on wheels has found your street. It's looking for your house."

And the girl continues to play. A minute later, the radio announces: "Girl, girl, a coffin on wheels has found your house. It's looking for your entrance!"

And the girl is playing. The radio announces again:

"Girl, girl, a coffin on wheels found your porch. He's looking for your apartment!"

The girl pays no attention. And the radio announces again:

"Girl, girl, a coffin on wheels found your apartment. It's moving in!"

The coffin collapsed. From there an imp crawled out and said:

Why did you break my car? I'll tell my dad everything!

Another ending

The black coffin has entered the apartment! The girl got angry and kicked the coffin. Baba Yaga ran out of the coffin and shouted: "The last stroller was broken !!!"

Curious "realistic" version

There lived one person. Once he turned on the radio and heard: "A coffin on wheels is going around the city and looking for you!" A few seconds later: "A coffin on wheels found your home!" A few more seconds later: "A coffin on wheels found your entrance!" The man opens the window and hears: "A coffin on wheels found your apartment!" The man climbed up the window: "A coffin on wheels rolls into your door!" The man jumped from the third floor. The man lost consciousness. A few minutes later he woke up and heard: "We were broadcasting a fairy tale for our little radio listeners!"

witch and robot

In one house, people began to disappear at night. The first night the boy disappeared. They searched and searched, but they couldn't find it anywhere. On the second night, the girl disappeared. On the third night there was no mother either. All this made a terrible impression on my father. He did not know what to do, but then he guessed and bought a robot in the store. In the evening he put him in his bed, and he himself hid in a secluded place and waited.

Night has come. The clock struck twelve.

A witch appeared in the room, went to the bed and said: "I want blood ... I want meat! .."

Black spot

One family moved to a new house. And there was a big black spot on the floor. The mother told her daughter to wipe off the stain. The daughter rubbed and rubbed, but the stain did not rub off. And at night the girl disappeared. The next day, the son began to scrub the stain. The stain began to move, but did not come off. The boy disappeared during the night. The mother informed the police. The police arrived and found a hatch in the basement. In the basement stood a Negro, and next to him were bound children. The police asked: "Why are you stealing children?" The negro replied: "Why are they rubbing my head!"

white piano

One girl was bought a white piano. One day she sat down at the piano and began to play.

Suddenly a black hand appeared from the piano and said:

Girl, girl, give me money! Girl, girl, give me money!

The girl was frightened and gave away the money that her mother had given her for groceries.

The black hand is gone.

In the evening, the girl told her mother about everything.

But her mother did not believe her, she decided that her daughter had spent the money on something else and did not want to confess.

Mom decided to check and sat down at the white piano. But as soon as she began to play, a black hand again stuck out of the piano and said:

Woman, woman, give me the money! Woman, woman, give me the money!

The girl's mother was seriously frightened and gave the money.

In the evening, their grandmother came to them, they told her about everything. Grandmother did not believe it and sat down at the piano, but as soon as she began to play, a black hand came out of the piano:

Grandma, grandma, give me money! Grandma, grandma, give me money!

Grandmother got scared and gave.

And then they called the police and told about everything.

The policemen came to their apartment, opened the lid, and Carlson was sitting there and counting the money:

Yellow spot

One girl saw a small yellow spot on the ceiling. The spot grew and grew, got bigger. The girl got scared and called her grandmother. Grandmother looked at the ceiling, saw a growing stain and fainted. The girl called her mother. Mom also got sick. The girl called her father. Seeing the stain, dad got scared and called the police. The policemen climbed into the attic, and there a kitten was writing in the corner.

sandal

A woman was walking past the cemetery and suddenly she hears: slap, slap, slap... She looked around - no one was there. She went further, again she hears from behind: slap, slap, slap ... She looked back again - no one. She was frightened and ran to the bus stop, and behind again: slap, slap, slap ... The bus drove up. The woman sat down, drove to the desired stop, got off the bus and heard again: slap, slap, slap... She looked around - again no one. The woman was even more frightened. Approaches the house: slap, slap, slap... He goes up the stairs: slap, slap, slap... He reaches his landing and suddenly sees a man in a black cloak coming up the stairs. The man looked at her strangely and said: "In my opinion, the heel of your sandal came off!"

Why are we afraid?

One woman had to go home from work through the cemetery. Here she comes and shakes.

Suddenly he sees: a man is walking along the road. The woman stopped him and asked him to walk her home. All the way the woman clung to him and trembled. Suddenly the man asked: "Why are you trembling so?" - "It's scary, - said the woman. - I'm very afraid of the dead." Then the man was surprised and said: “Why be afraid of us?

It was a year ago. Even now goosebumps! This story is true. At night I liked to watch horror movies. But after one it all started. Found on the Internet. Before the terrible one, there were some strange pictures about murders. I decided to turn it off. But... The voice from the TV told me not to turn it off. I thought: what the hell? Might be a coincidence. I sat down and turned my head to the monitor. Through these pictures, the face of a beautiful girl began to appear. She whispered something in an indistinct voice. And then, as they began to show screaming pictures with disfigured faces, I jumped up and screamed. Horror! But I knew perfectly well that it was only make-up of people's faces.

But then again the girl's face, only now it was all in cuts. She said:
- Here you see? And you wanted to turn it off. Do you see my face? I looked and I was disfigured. You will look the same too! Ha ha ha!
I was trembling... It was a terrible feeling! But then... The phone rings.
Then, damn it, I thought about the movie "The Ring". But it was not there. The male voice said:
- I'm watching ... Ha-ha ... - the voice broke off.
I closed the curtains and went to bed. I've been spinning for a long time! Couldn't sleep. But I reassured myself that it was just a joke. I fell asleep.

My sleep was interrupted by a roar in the hallway. I was scared and wondered what was there. But I didn't go. I'm not stupid! I couldn't move from fear... It was already 5 o'clock in the morning... light. I got up and decided to go into the corridor. But there was nothing there. Then I decided to go to the kitchen. There were glasses on the floor. They were intact and not broken. Then mom came in.
- Why are not you sleeping? I heard a roar and you screamed.
- I? Screaming?
- Yes, or I heard ... Well, okay. - Mom did not pay attention to the floor. But I did not notice that the glasses were no longer on the floor. Horror!

Mom yawned and went to sleep. I decided to watch this video again. And it all happened again. Then I went to get a newspaper. In the drawer, I found a piece of paper with scribbles: "Bring money to apartment 13." Then I realized it was a scam. I decided to go downstairs, to apartment 13. Young children lived there, their parents were at work all day. She confessed.

Toward evening I had a severe headache. I went to bed. I heard a voice.
- You were waiting for me?
I'm going to yell at the whole apartment! I open my eyes... And there... You won't believe it... Mom! With phone.
- Daughter? And I...
- Mom... Mommy!!! - I burst into tears. Without explaining anything, my mother put me to rest and I fell asleep.

Morning. Mom washed the dishes. I approached her sooo quietly and scared her. I asked my mom to tell me everything.
- You see ... We with the 13th apartment and with your girlfriend Dasha decided to play a joke on you ...
- Whatoooo? - I really freaked out! I have never experienced such fear. I'm not offended.

Then my mother told me how she did it all. That's how they wanted to wean me from horror stories. Now I don't watch them - I read and write them.

This topic is for black humor- nothing particularly scary and vulgar, you can read for children.

Worst nightmare: make sandwiches, pour tea, bring it all
in bed, wrap yourself in a blanket and forget the remote control from the TV ...

***
Birthday of two twin boys, an optimist and a pessimist. A pessimist opens a box with a gift, and there is a Lego constructor. He starts to get bored:
- Damn, this constructor again, now to assemble it, disassemble it, it will lie all over the apartment, I will lose half of the details ...
The optimist opens his box, and there ... poop. He:
- Oh, and the horse came to us!

***
There is a black-black forest. In a black-black forest, a black-black glade. On
black-black clearing black-black stump. On a black-black stump sit two
black-black creatures and one says to the other:
- In vain, Vasily Ivanovich, we fired this rubber with you ...

***
The girl Tanya was walking down the street
Girl Tanya found a pin
Tanya brought home a pin
Grandma in the eye with a mockery gave
Pope stuck in a diseased liver
Mom accidentally ripped out her bangs
Bitten off her little brother's belly button
Grandpa got a HAMMER in the face
The cat lies on the floor without a tail
Once upon a time there was a beautiful cat.

***
A bad girl and a good girl stood on the balcony. And they spit seeds on passers-by ...
The bad girl hit eight times and the good girl hit nine. This is how good triumphs over evil!

***
A girl is sitting in the sandbox, chewing something and munching loudly at the same time ... A man is walking:
- Girl! What are you chewing?
- I don't know! Shamo has crawled...

***
The boy was playing quietly in the kitchen
Behind him, a bulldozer drove up to him
“Bulldozer in the kitchen? Haha! That's bullshit!"
Are you laughing? Well, laugh. And there is no boy.

***
One girl was sitting at home and playing. Suddenly, they announce on the radio:
“A COFFIN ON WHEELS RIDES THE CITY. ALL CLOSE THE WINDOWS AND DOORS!”
The girl did not obey. A minute later, the radio announces again:
“Girl, girl, a coffin on wheels has found your home. He's looking for
your entrance!
And the girl is playing. The radio announces again:
“Girl, girl, the coffin found your entrance, he is looking for your apartment!”
The girl pays no attention. And the radio announces again:
“Girl girl, a coffin on wheels found your apartment, it moves in!”
The black coffin has moved into the apartment! The girl got angry and kicked the coffin.
The coffin collapsed. Baba Yoga ran out of there and screamed!:
"The last carriage was broken!"

***
The little boy was riding the elevator.
Something happened and the elevator broke...
Mom digs in a pile of bones:
Where are the sneakers for a thousand rubles?

***
His childhood was difficult. Until the age of five, he generally believed that his name was SHUT UP.

***
Mom left one girl at home for 3 days. At night the girl heard
strange noise. She woke up and saw in her window a large shaggy
hand. The hand asked for bread. The girl gave her bread and the hand hid
The same thing happened the next night. The girl called the police.
The policemen sat under the bed and told the girl not to give her bread.
At 12 o'clock a hand appeared in the window and said:
"Girl, girl, give me bread, girl, girl, give me bread!"
The girl didn't. The hand again asked, the girl again did not give. Then in
a huge monkey appeared in the window and asked:
“What, the bread is over?”

***
A small child is brought into the prosecutor's office ...
The prosecutor is surprised:
- Oh, who came to us ...
- Who killed the grandmother, - calmly answers the kid.

***
- Vovochka, did you throw bricks at Uncle Misha again?!!!
Mom, I won't do it again.
And he doesn't need more...

***
Vanya accidentally swallowed the cartridge. He farted and crushed his mother.

See other topics in this section here -

One man to another:
- Imagine! My neighbor turned out to be a vampire!!!
- ???
- I drove an aspen stake into his heart - he died!

The little boy left but returned
Control shot so that the uncle is bent

My head is two ears
No mind in it and no hearing

Life has been so happy
Loader, where wine and beer

Who said that my shawarma is made of soap
The meat is fresh, yesterday meow said

I have a guest today
I'll give him a dog bone

What to say to you in response
I better take out my gun

What sat on me
You shouldn't, mine I

goldfish, vodka
And on the frying pan

Moonshine and vodka my dad does not drink
She chopped off her hands, what will she pour now

Black and white cinema
The film has been drunk for a long time

Dad, don't kill me
Your mother overturned your vodka

Children are dear, there are no more problems
I sold everything and invested in MMM

I got a bad cold
I have cold alcohol

DRINK-INEXPENSIVE, go fast
I came, it turned out I’ll enter into binges

Heartbroken, turned gray overnight
Vodka is broken, misfortune, misfortune

Lived - there were father, mother, son, daughter. Some kind of stain appeared on their wall, a large one. Mother rubbed, rubbed - did not erase. The mother disappeared at night. The next day, my father rubs, rubs, rubs - he also disappeared. Brother rubs, rubs - disappeared. The daughter began to rub - the devil climbs out. She says:
- Why did you eat my mother, folder and brother?
And he says:
- Why did they rub my bald head!?

A boy was born in one family. He grew up and was good to everyone, but he did not speak. And when he was five years old, he uttered the first word: "Baba".
Everyone was very happy that he began to speak. And the next day my grandmother died.
Well, she died and died, she's already old. And the child following the word: "Grandfather." Well done!
Grandpa dies the next day. We mourned, we mourned, but old grandfather, it's time already. And the boy said "mom".
And the mother died the next day. And the boy says "daddy".
Then the father thinks: "Well, that's it, soon I'll be finished! I'll go and get drunk in the end." Went and got drunk and fell asleep.
Wakes up in the morning, looks: "Alive!" Then the doorbell rings, the neighbor all in black comes in and cries, "Did your boy say the word "neighbor" yesterday?"

The family sleeps at night. Suddenly they hear in the kitchen: drip-drip-drip. Dad got up, went and did not return. And again it is heard: drip-drip-drip. Mom went and didn't come back either. Again: drip-drip-drip. The boy lies alone, afraid to move, but he mustered up the courage and also went. Goes, goes, enters the kitchen? And there the whole family turns on the tap!

Both fish and meat, caught not in vain
The children thought they saw the mermaid

A woman lived in a hut, she was dumb
Her birthday came, her great-granddaughter congratulated her (too much of her here)
The whole family celebrated a birthday
After 3 days, the grandmother died and suddenly the grandmother said to her great granddaughter
"My girl, keep my box and God will give you a gift" - and died
Alyona (great-granddaughter) did not like her grandmother and threw away the box
Three days later, Alyona's golden braids came off right at school.
Alena was very ashamed, she remembered about the box and went to church
Prayed to God asked for forgiveness took the box and remembered the prayers
After 20 years, she still kept the box and became famous throughout the city.
She thought she didn't need the box and threw it away again
Through the Internet, she met a guy and fell in love
She was in a beauty pageant and she didn't win tickets to Sochi
(Her boyfriend from the Internet lived there) she was so very upset
And she continued to be unlucky, then she was late for the plane
I did not buy a concert ticket for myself and my girlfriend
She became as if a hermit and did not open the door, her friends got excited
And they called the police, they broke the door from there, water flowed, it choked in the water
She was sitting with the remote control in her hand on the DevVan she forgot to turn off the tap