How does passive aggression manifest itself? Where does passive aggression come from and what to do about it
Stories about passive-aggressive individuals are increasingly becoming the subject of Hollywood dramas and comedies.
What fate can constant suppression of anger lead to, how and who is hindered from living by types who hide their discontent under a pretty face? And, in general, what is passive aggression and how to deal with it?
Passive-aggressive behavior: what is it?
Since childhood, it has been drilled into our heads that showing anger is bad.
You cannot shout, throw chairs, break plates, call names, be rude and openly angry, otherwise you will be loved and respected less.
You will be known as a nervous person, your friends will run away like cockroaches, you will be demoted... And so, impressed by educational horror stories, we have learned to restrain our anger and mask it.
This is how passive aggression was born, which does much more harm than open anger. 
The direct manifestation of dissatisfaction, disagreement, resentment and anger allows us to get rid of obsessive emotions and free the body for good thoughts.
We shake off the nervous ballast the moment it appears. Therefore, anger does not accumulate and the rest of the time we can be peaceful and pleasant individuals.
It’s normal to be dissatisfied with something, and so is giving up an unpleasant activity.
Passive aggression is a consequence of suppressing all negative emotions. That case when grumbling and anger are shoved into the far corner of consciousness, and a sweet smile plays on your face.
It’s easy to recognize a passive aggressor by his behavior - he phenomenally sabotages all unloved activities, unknowingly causes harm at home and at work, interferes with someone else’s simple happiness and slows down all important processes.
He is characterized by clowning and procrastination, and his speech can be disguised as sarcastic and caustic.
Instead of direct confrontation, he acts secretly, behind his back, never admitting his true desires.
Manifestations of passive aggression
It is thanks to the passive-aggressive personality type that these people do not say “No” if they do not want to do the work.
It’s too early to rejoice at trouble-free talents! After all, they masterfully sabotage the process: do not expect that such specimens will deliver the project on time and with high quality.
They are late for work, put off important tasks until the deadline, regularly get sick and get caught in traffic jams...
What is there! These individuals are subconsciously ready to break their arm just to get an adequate reason for taking time off.
A passive-aggressive person suppresses any manifestations of anger: he does not talk about his feelings, does not refuse unpleasant things, does not express violent emotions with facial expressions, body and gestures.
In a word, at first he does not make it clear to others that he is dissatisfied. He avoids conflicts and keeps silent in the corner with manic diligence.
But after some time, not allowing himself momentary release, he begins to sabotage. Complain about life, feel sorry for yourself, whisper, gossip, write slander, blame your loved ones for your failed fate.
Very often you can hear from such a person: “Well, it’s clear what was expected: you don’t care at all that I feel bad. You are not interested in my opinion, you only think about yourself. Nobody took care of me."
“Playing the silent game,” detachment, ignoring, the phrase “Everything is fine, don’t worry about me” are typical tricks of such individuals.
You will never know the reasons for their grievances until you figure it out yourself. But even without uttering a word, they manage to be excellent psychological tyrants in the family.
In addition, they are excellent provocateurs: in the end, you will throw your fists at your spouse in anger and break dishes, and he will arrogantly blame you for your uncontrolled, ugly behavior.
Sometimes the unconscious actions of passive-aggressive types seem funny, ridiculous, and illogical.
Instead of simply canceling a date, they “forget” to book a table, step into a meter-long puddle, faint at a bus stop, get poisoned by yesterday’s soup, catch a rare form of SARS, or even board the wrong plane flight.
They seem to sincerely not want to offend or offend anyone, but their behavior should not be confused with politeness and tact.
Where does passive aggression come from? 
This is not an innate trait, but a newly acquired trait. Most often, passive-aggressive behavior begins in childhood. There are several ways:
1) Parents often quarreled, shouted, and fought in front of the child, and the expression of anger became “dirty” and defiled for him.
2) Mom and dad forbade the child to show dissatisfaction, swear, yell, cry. “Don’t you dare talk to your elders like that!” He was taught that it was impossible to be offended, that anger was a trait of bad boys and girls, and that no one would love a “mean” person.
3) The parents themselves were passive-aggressive people, and instilled this example of behavior in their child.
As a result, the child is unable, unwilling, ashamed or afraid to express negative emotions. Over time, he finds other ways to get out of unpleasant situations.
Many people today are unaware of their tendency towards passive-aggressive behavior.
After all, over the years, these traits become an integral part of the personality, and if you look at your character under a microscope, it is quite difficult to recognize them.
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Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club you can easily hear: “You see, I was unlucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor...” This expression is often used without having an exact idea of what is hidden behind it. The term itself was proposed during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refused to obey orders: rather than openly rebelling against them, they procrastinated, grumbled, acted ineffectively, that is, engaged in passive sabotage.
Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then they were removed from it in 1994, during the publication of the fourth edition: their clinical description seemed not clear enough to the compilers.
In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, and passive-aggressive disorders has increased
Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually penetrated into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. “In Freud’s time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsessions,” says psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix. “In our era of narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in addiction, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”
Disguised Resistance
This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is characteristic of any one personality type. We all tend to behave this way at some points in our lives, point out psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord 1 . For example, in adolescence or when faced with unfavorable circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we disagree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to protect ourselves and survive.
But there are those among us for whom disguised insubordination becomes the only way to communicate.“It is difficult for them to enter into confrontation openly, since open aggression, defending themselves, does not fit into the image of the “correct” person that they think of themselves as,” notes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. - Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - love, social life, at work, among friends... This makes communicating with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity when faced with life’s difficulties greatly complicates relationships,” confirms Marie-Josée Lacroix. Added to the inertia is the suppressed anger that others feel and which ultimately becomes unbearable.
We all tend to behave passive-aggressively at some times in our lives.
“When Maria started working, we were happy. She seemed soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her responsibilities included scheduling meetings, distributing mail, and making appointments. At first everything went well. In face-to-face conversation, Maria answered “yes” to all directions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back to her, she eloquently rolled her eyes. When they asked her for anything, she acted deliberately slowly, complained about everything, and scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and calm her down - in vain. She was eventually fired.
She went to court, tried to pass herself off as a victim, asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her care was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we were all scoundrels. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was “spoiled” by “bad people” and that no one ever protected her from the injustices of which she constantly became a victim.” Telling this story, Lyudmila, an accountant at an event management company, feels vaguely guilty, but concludes: “Although it’s terrible to say so, I was relieved when Maria left. I had the impression when communicating with her that I could say and do anything, but it would not change anything.”
Is it possible to defend yourself?
Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how to avoid becoming a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.
At work
What to do: You can only tolerate a passive-aggressive boss if you don't need encouragement at all. If the tasks are not set clearly enough and if, no matter what you do, you are always unhappy with it, then the best solution will leave: everyone needs at least a minimum of recognition. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not letting him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don't let yourself be pulled into a triangle. Don't try to save him and don't attack him when he complains. Don't act like a victim because he is always unhappy and never gives positive feedback. This will not help you and you will be at risk of falling into a vicious cycle.
In private life
What to do: Calm him down. The passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel like he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in dark thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Don't let someone who feels entitled to throw their anger and frustration in others' faces make you a victim. Don't pretend not to notice anything: his anger will increase tenfold. Don't scold him as a parent would - this is what serves as the “trigger” for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.
Chronic dissatisfaction
Passive-aggressive individuals are always unhappy because they cannot define their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. “The chronic sabotage of their work, and often their own life, characteristic of them, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle of “took revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, walked.”
Passive aggression can be considered a type of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical overtone. Then it gives way to violent sadistic acting out (“you’re all bad yourself”) or bodily reactions, withdrawal into illness.”
When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty.
When communicating with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty, because they will turn any words against the “offender”. Anyone who happens to be nearby must avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle, described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. – If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other, in most cases, begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter into a game where there are no winners.”
Martyrdom and torture
Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-Josée Lacroix. “And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other.”
At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, harassing others, complaining, and addressing them with unspoken reproaches. They may derive pleasure from the suffering they cause. Their apparent passivity and inertia, complete concentration on themselves, hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrollable manner. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely mundane to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction they are wreaking around.
They lack a “psychic container” that would help them regulate their behavior
“Passive aggression is often the result of upbringing, when a child is taught to depend on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, explains Marie-Josée Lacroix. “A form of masochism may have arisen when a child was unable to express his or her needs, to exercise independence, to discover who he (or she) is because he or she was confronted by a suppressive, perfectionist parent...”
Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a “psychic container.” It is built from early childhood with the help of the mother’s words. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, the mother talks to him and calms him down. She helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain the emotions that are unbearable for him. “It gives the child a kind of shell that protects him from the external environment, which is potentially aggressive and anxiety-provoking.
Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some are deprived of it. This shell seems to be broken for them,” continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they silently scream: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unquenched because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.
1 In the book “How to Deal with Difficult People” (Generation, 2007).
Passive-aggressive behavior (or passive aggression) is a behavior in which expressions of anger are suppressed. Passive resistance to the negative remarks of the opponent is expressed, in which, meanwhile, it is possible to achieve the goals set by the person using this behavior.
The main feature of a passive aggressor is the suppression of anger. He has a lot of resentment, anger, aggression, but he does not know how and is afraid to express negative emotions. Such people never say directly what they want, what they don’t want, what doesn’t suit them and what they are not happy with. Instead, they subtly avoid the conflict, torment you with omissions, and wait for you to guess what they are offended by. For the time being, such a character may seem like a good partner: he doesn’t swear, he doesn’t yell, he agrees with you in everything – he’s a real godsend! But the secret always becomes clear, and the relationship turns into a nightmare. However, a passive-aggressive relative (especially an older one), colleague or girlfriend is also a gift. But why are we all about others - maybe some of these points are about you?
1. They don't say no
To say directly, to your face, that he doesn’t like something, that he doesn’t want to and won’t do it, oh no, a passive aggressor will never dare to do that. He nods his head, agrees with everything, but doesn’t do it. He will “forget” about the deadline, “will not have time” to reserve a table in a restaurant that he really simply did not want to go to, or even break his leg on the way - just so as not to go to the theater with you.
2. They sabotage
If at work a passive aggressive person is given a task that he does not like or in which he feels incompetent, he does not admit it directly, but sabotages and delays until the last moment. Instead of honestly saying, “I’m having problems with this project and I need help,” they indulge in procrastination and demonstrate maximum inefficiency as best they can - in the hope that everything will somehow solve itself and the task will be passed on to someone else.
3. They avoid direct confrontation.
Even when feeling hurt to the core, a passive aggressor will not say it directly, but will send confused messages that should show you how soulless and cruel you are. If such a person is your loved one, then you constantly hear from him something like: “Of course, of course, do as you see fit, why should you worry about how I feel...”
4. They suppress anger
In their picture of the world, any disagreement, dissatisfaction, anger or resentment is better to be swept under the rug, rather than brought out. More than anything else, these people are afraid of open conflict. This often happens to those who were scolded from childhood for any manifestations of feelings, as well as to those who grew up in a very emotionally unstable family, where mother and father constantly swore, and even attacked each other with their fists. Such a child grows up with the feeling that anger is a terrible uncontrollable force, that it is ugly and unbearably shameful, so emotions must be restrained and suppressed. It seems to him that if he gives negative experiences even a little freedom, a monster will burst out - all the anger and hatred that he has been accumulating for years will pour out and burn all living things around.
5. They won't admit how they really feel.
It is clear that, believing in such a terrible power of negative emotions, the passive aggressor does not want to show them - it is better to hide them than to destroy a good relationship (or rather than appear angry). In a couple, the passive aggressor will never be the first to say that something is wrong. If you ask him what happened and why he is unhappy, he answers: “Nothing,” “Everything is fine,” “I’m great.” But his voice from a mile away demonstrates that everything is not at all okay or great. You are trying to figure it out, have a heart-to-heart talk, but it didn’t work out: it’s as silent as in a tank.
6. They play the silent game
When angry, such a partner does not explode, but withdraws and goes into all-round defense. A passive aggressor can remain silent for hours, days, weeks. Doesn't answer your questions, refuses dialogue. This is a way of punishment: this is how you will understand that you did something wrong, that you offended him in some way. What exactly? Where did you make a fatal mistake? What was your incorrigible guilt? Look what you want - everyone can do it! Oh no, in this club of sophisticated torture they will not tell you or explain anything to you - guess for yourself. Suffer, think, remember every word. Punished? What, would it be better if they beat you? No, you can't wait!
7. They provoke you to anger.
And avoidance of open adult dialogue, and games of silence, and the favorite “Do as you know, you don’t care anyway...” - all this sooner or later brings you to the point of white heat, and you start yelling. Yep, gotcha! This is exactly what the passive-aggressive interlocutor wanted from you (most likely, unconsciously - at least something to justify him). He himself is afraid to express anger, so he transfers this honorable function to you: now he can rightfully consider you bad, angry, unrestrained... Actually, he thought so. Well, of course, he didn’t expect anything else from you. He, of course, hoped that you were not like everyone else, but how could he, naive, dream of such a miracle... In general, having provoked you into a fit of hellish rage, he will go through your self-esteem full program, and for himself he will receive another confirmation: anger is a terrible uncontrollable element, it must be restrained with all one’s strength, but building relationships with people openly and sincerely is impossible, it’s dangerous.
8. They manipulate
Passive aggressors constantly press their two favorite buttons: pity and guilt. Saying directly what they want is about as unrealistic for them as saying “no.” And if they need something, they follow complex, roundabout paths. Instead of simply asking you to help carry a heavy box, such a relative or neighbor will remember all his medical diagnoses, make heavy groans and whine that the last time under such circumstances he had a strangulated hernia, a heart attack and hemorrhoids.
9. They do bad things behind your back
They try very hard to show themselves as sweet, kind and want people to like them. But unexpressed anger, anger and envy do not disappear anywhere, but accumulate inside. When they envy someone's success or feel unfairly treated, instead of direct confrontation they choose secret methods of revenge - spreading a nasty rumor about someone, sending an anonymous denunciation to their boss. Yes, these harmless dandelions can ruin your reputation.
10. They pass the buck
As is easy to see, passive aggression is a very infantile, immature behavior. A passive aggressor does not feel like he is the master of his fate; he constantly blames life, circumstances, and other people for everything. Suddenly you find yourself to blame for all your loved one's misfortunes. Everything counts: you were not attentive enough and did not show sympathy, you did not guess why he was offended, you gave him unsuccessful advice, because of which everything went wrong, and simply the fact that he connected his life with you (or that you were born to him, if suddenly it was one of your parents) ruined this life completely.
Even if you have not heard of such a term as passive aggression, you have probably encountered this phenomenon. Moreover, many of us behave like passive aggressors from time to time. However, for some this is a one-time, situational behavior, for others it is “ basic model" We suggest you figure it out What is passive aggression and how to resist those who use it on us.
In this article, we will understand by passive aggressors those who often resort to such behavior– in life in general or in specific situations / when interacting with specific people.
In relation to other people
Let's imagine a person who feels anger, hostility, anger, resentment towards someone, but cannot or does not want to express feelings openly. However, he still considers it necessary to demonstrate his negative attitude - so that outwardly it does not violate social, public, ethical norms, but eloquently conveyed his feelings and emotions.
And there are various means for this. The most common example is a “well-chosen” gift (say, a passive aggressor knows that a person he doesn’t like is on a diet, but still gives sweets; for a vegetarian he will buy a barbecue set, and for a person with bad teeth - nuts). They can use deliberate delays at work (but so that formal disciplinary measures cannot be tried), actively imposing one’s opinion under the guise of concern (typical of tense relationships within the family, especially in mother-in-law-son-in-law, mother-in-law-daughter-in-law pairs) and other options . All this is manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior patterns.
Its main feature is that with outwardly positive or neutral behavior, a person hurts, offends, irritates or otherwise negatively affects the person against whom this attitude sent . This is precisely the meaning of passive aggression - to annoy, cause anger, retaliatory aggression, etc., but formally look like he has absolutely nothing to do with it. From the outside, it looks like the aggressor is white and fluffy, and his counterpart starts a conflict, is overly nervous and reacts violently to everything.
It is necessary to distinguish manifestations of passive aggression from people who are very intrusive in their care or simply tactless. The main difference is that the goal of the aggressor is to annoy and anger. Whereas caring/tactless people do not set such a task for themselves.
In relation to any matter
Passive aggression can concern not only the “unpleasant person”, but also "unpleasant business"(both at work and in personal life). Here, too, we may encounter delays in deadlines, the fact that the task will not be completed at all (under some plausible pretext) or done carelessly, for show. 
In such cases, the task is often procrastinated until the very last moment, and then completed at a very fast pace or not completed at all.
Sometimes the aggressors initially they know that they will not do anything or will do it, but carelessly, however, for one reason or another, they cannot and do not want to say this directly. Here, the manifestation of passive aggression towards a person for whom our hero, in principle, may not experience negative feelings, is associated with the very fact that such a task was set.
Such passive-aggressive manifestations occur throughout life. much more often, and even a person who does not usually resort to such a model can use it. For example, when he was given an ultimatum to work overtime or when distant acquaintances made inappropriate requests.
In general, passive aggression is manifestation of infantile behavior. Sometimes a person is [sort of] forced to resort to this method because decency does not allow him to do otherwise - because of subordination, because he doesn’t want to completely ruin the relationship, because the aggressor realizes that other people are right, but still feels annoyed and irritated. For example, a person may have a lot of work to do, but a colleague reminds him of a presentation that was due a week ago. Formally, our hero understands that his colleague has nothing to do with it, but still gets angry with him and makes a presentation for show.
There are people who constantly resort to this pattern of expressing emotions and actually learn it from childhood. This may also be due to the fact that a person strives with all his might avoid direct conflict, because he cannot or does not know how to behave in this case. The aggressor, as a rule, hopes that his “sneaky pokes”, formally expressed in a socially acceptable form, will not lead to open conflict and 
therefore, he chooses this form of expression of emotions.
Sometimes people actually not used to / afraid to show feelings openly. As a rule, this behavior is reinforced by parents in childhood, denying the right of their son or daughter to show emotions, saying that it is wrong, or even punishing them for them. Example - when a child gets angry or cries, they answer him “Well, you’re so upset, it’s still good,” “Well, now you’ve stopped crying,” “Don’t throw hysterics, there’s nothing like that here,” etc. If parents too often shut up the child in this way, without delving into his problem, the little person develops an attitude: feelings cannot be shown openly. But this doesn’t make them go away on their own, so the child gets used to expressing them in a veiled way. In adulthood, the aggressor, as it were, forces his opponent to start an open conflict instead of himself - but when it is started (not by our hero), it is already possible to show feelings openly.
Be that as it may, mature, self-sufficient individuals do not resort to passive aggression towards other people.
How to resist a passive aggressor?
Communication with a passive aggressor (if his behavior is directed in your direction) is usually associated with negative emotions, and often you also cannot express them openly - due to the same rules of decency or subordination that “forced” the aggressor to resort to his models. And sometimes the whole point is that formally no one has done anything bad to you and there seems to be nothing to conflict about. Nevertheless, the weight of communication hangs over and becomes a source of irritation and other negative emotions. Here are some tips on how to deal with passive aggression.
