Hidden aggression. Passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggression: how passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself and is corrected

It is often difficult to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others because we are reluctant to listen to our instincts. We prefer to doubt and think positively. This type of behavior is very insidious. He can drive you crazy! Normal people begin to doubt themselves and wonder if they are being fair.

What does the term “passive-aggressive” behavior actually mean? And why is it so difficult to identify it among colleagues and partners? People who exhibit passive-aggressive traits suppress their angry reactions because they fear conflict, and their anger turns into other, more passive forms.

10 Ways to Stop Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Change Your Relationship for the Better

For example, instead of starting a fight that could end in a breakup, Mary "accidentally" washes her husband's white shirts with her red dress, turning them all pink.

Or Jeff gets angry at his boss, but instead of confronting him openly, he “forgets” to mail the bills, and as a result, the boss receives a late fee.

Because we are often unaware that we are behaving passive-aggressively, we find it difficult to stop the behavior– even when it does not lead to the desired results.

We are passive-aggressive when we express anger or hostility indirectly rather than directly.

Passive-aggressive behavior creates a vicious circle:

Anger simmers latently, accumulating beneath the surface, so that the problems that caused it are not resolved, and this causes us to express our negative feelings less and less openly.

When our behavior is disapproved, we don't acknowledge our anger or say a dismissive, "Okay, you're right."

1. Recognize passive-aggressive behavior as quickly as possible.

One of the most insidious consequences of such behavior is that a person who is not passive-aggressive begins to experience strong negative emotions. This leaves him emotionally drained and overwhelmed before he even realizes that he is the victim of a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic.

2. Form clear agreements with your partner.

Specific agreements mean that everyone knows what is expected of them.

3. Notice your own anger.

Often people with passive-aggressive behavior want their partner to get angry and yell and scream back so they can move the needle to another source of the problem. Or they may avoid expressing their own anger and irritation because they don't want to stir up conflict.

Do your best to express your anger and break the cycle. It takes two to play. If you refuse to play, you will have to change something.

4. Be assertive (confident), not aggressive and formulate your thoughts as clearly as possible.

Stick to the facts and express your opinions clearly. Make your partner clearly aware of the consequences of their behavior.

5. Be clear and transparent about your requests and expectations and make sure you reach clear agreements.

If you ask someone to do something, make sure you have a clear time frame. If there is a specific way you want something done, make sure the other person knows about it.

Make sure there is clarity about the consequences of what will happen if the outcome does not meet expectations.

6. Set your boundaries and make them clear.

This will keep you from being tempted to take responsibility just because you can't wait any longer, thereby engaging in yet another endless round of passive-aggressive confrontation.

7. Take responsibility for what depends on you and reject the rest.

Take responsibility for errors that are your fault. Apologize and change your behavior. An apology is only worth anything if you don't continue the same behavior.

Resist the pressure to take responsibility for everything– this puts the onus on you to fix it.

8. Don't take forgetfulness as an excuse.

Be clear about the things that matter to you, and make them clear so that your partner understands it.

9. If you are a passive-aggressive person, work on understanding your own anger and expressing it directly.

Saying yes to your partner and then doing the opposite is bad policy.

10. Agree that you both are responsible for the common chores, household chores, conversations and sex in the relationship.

Take the time to negotiate these agreements in as much detail and specificity as possible.
It will probably be difficult for you. But remember, passive-aggressive behavior is often not a conscious choice.
People who react this way are usually unaware of their hurt and anger. They often say things like, “I'm just forgetful,” “I don't do it on purpose,” or “I'm always late. This is a trait of my character."
They are unaware of the impact of their behavior on others and may be hypersensitive to criticism.published.

By Lori Beth Bisbey

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

Exploring your tendencies

Every person by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive. This predisposition is similar computer characteristic, called "default" that is, programmed to automatically select a certain option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let us consider in more detail the manifestations of this phenomenon.

Both passive and aggressive types of behavior have distinctive characteristics. In order to gain self-confidence, you need to understand the differences between them.

A person predisposed to a passive type of behavior tends to suppress his desires and not use freedom of choice. He usually submits to the will of others and does not defend his own interests.

For the most part, passive people try to avoid unpleasant situations, but when faced with aggressive behavior they can become unbalanced. In response to aggression, behavior due to fear of aggravating the situation of a passive person, as a rule, becomes even more passive.

Communicating with such a person can be difficult, because others do not understand what he really wants. For example, to the question “What will you drink, tea or coffee?” he usually answers, “I don’t care.” People prone to passive behavior believe that inertia is the best fit for their desire to avoid solving problems and avoid disputes. Anything that is not a priority task seems too insignificant to them and is not worth the effort in their opinion.

A person predisposed to an aggressive type of behavior is irritable and does not hesitate to enter into conflict if something goes against his plans. Aggressive behavior fuels his energy and assertiveness, but is usually perceived negatively by others. He may get his way, but at too high a cost, or he may achieve nothing because others, feeling that they are being looked down upon, usually refuse to cooperate with him.

The difficulty of communicating with an aggressive person can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but to achieve a goal. The dissatisfaction of the “aggressor” is too noticeable, because his behavior is characterized by lack of restraint. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.

One of the ways to become more self-confident is to change the behavior patterns inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior will look unnatural in the eyes of others, because it is not typical of your nature. But in any case, it will remain within the limits of the temperament given to you by nature - passive or aggressive.

Predisposition to a particular type of behavior can be adjusted by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. As a result of such correction, assertiveness arises - firm self-confidence with a sense of self-esteem.

To do this, you need very little - to improve your involuntary reactions and inclinations. The newly acquired behavior will operate as follows.

People who tend to be passive will find that there is no need to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others think, and speak up about their wants and needs without hesitation.

A small correction of passive behavior will allow you to act actively - to solve problems, rather than avoid them. Confidence will give you courage, and you will be able to express thoughts that you would never have dared to express before, and even get what you have always dreamed of.

A person who is more aggressive than passive will have to soften his natural assertiveness. Correction aggressive behavior will allow you to find that this makes it easier to achieve your goal, because your new behavior has become less annoying to others. At the same time, you should not completely give up active actions. Thus, assertive behavior will pacify your impetuosity without causing displeasure and anger in others.

The general criterion in both cases can be considered the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to own desires. Those who are prone to aggressive behavior should think less about themselves and take into account the demands of others.

Solid self-confidence provides the key to the ability to improve in any area of ​​life and is especially pronounced in difficult situations, in communication with smart and knowledgeable people. Softening (if you are aggressive) or strengthening (if you are passive) behavior will help you without unnecessary problems:

v to motivate people to take action or change their behavior without causing rejection or hostility on their part;

v refuse something without offending others;

v expressing one's own (possibly unpopular) opinion in such a way that it is perceived favorably, even if others hold diametrically opposed views.

It can be added that confidence will help you develop and improve effective communication with other people. You will find that any situation works for you if:

v give compliments and receive them; they will give confidence to both you and those around you;

v encourage people to communicate, then your pleasure from this process will greatly increase;

v express approval of the ideas and actions of others, rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this you will be able to install feedback with an interlocutor;

v admit your shortcomings. This is common to all self-confident people.

Assertiveness creates equality in relationships between people, the necessary flexibility in behavior to overcome difficulties, and leads to success.

To develop assertive behavior, it is necessary first of all to slightly change the natural reactions to certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance the extremes of character and help you find between them. golden mean. It will “pacify” aggression and “spur up” inertia.

Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieving it. This is the most effective way declare your intentions and take communication to a whole new level.

Analyze your usual behavior and answer the following questions.

If you are passive by nature:

^Are you trying to avoid a situation that threatens to become unpleasant?

^Would you like to express your opinion with more confidence?

If you are aggressive by nature:

^Do you tend to do everything your own way without taking into account the interests of others?

^ Do you want to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?

For both types of behavior:

^ Do you want to learn how to refuse people's requests without feeling the need to make excuses?

^ Do you strive to ensure that your relationships with people give greater returns?

If you answered yes to some questions, you need to deliberately work on your character.

Understand that in order to become a confident person, you do not have to go against your nature;

Make a firm decision and adjust your natural behavior;

Realize that strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find the right solution in a difficult situation;

Realize that as you become more confident, you will enjoy life more;

To wish to develop in yourself such skills and such an outlook on things that are necessary for a self-confident person.

Passive-aggressive personalities

People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which indicates their reluctance to receive recognition and support from people in authority.

Their main problem is the conflict between the desire to receive the benefits that the authorities and resource owners offer, and the desire to maintain their independence. Consequently, they try to maintain relationships by becoming passive and submissive, but when they feel they have lost their independence, they subvert authority.

These people may perceive themselves as self-sufficient but vulnerable to outside intrusion. However, they are drawn to strong people and organizations because they crave social approval and support.

The desire to “join in” often clashes with the fear of invasion and influence from others. However, they perceive others as intrusive, demanding, interfering, controlling and dominant. Passive-aggressive individuals are especially likely to think this way about people in positions of power. And at the same time, they are considered capable of acceptance, support and care.

The internal hidden beliefs of a passive-aggressive person are associated with the following ideas: “I cannot bear to be controlled by others,” “I must do things my own way,” “I deserve approval for everything I have done.”

Their conflicts are expressed in a clash of beliefs: “I need someone with power and authority to support me and take care of me” versus: “I must protect my independence and autonomy,” “If I adhere to other people’s rules, I lose freedom of action.” .

The behavior of such people is expressed in postponing actions that the authorities expect from them, or in superficial submission, but non-submission in essence. Typically, such a person resists the demands of others, both professionally and in personal relationships. But she does this in an indirect way: she delays work, gets offended, “forgets,” complains that she is not understood or underestimated.

The main threat and fears are related to loss of approval and decrease in independence. Their strategy is to strengthen their independence through covert opposition to people in power, and at the same time through visible search their patronage.

Passive-aggressive individuals try to evade rules or circumvent them through covert defiance. They are often destructive, which takes the form of not completing work on time, not attending class, and similar behavior.

Despite this, at first glance, due to the need for approval, such people may try hard to appear obedient and accepting of authority. They are often passive and generally tend to take the path of least resistance, avoiding competitive situations and acting alone.

A typical emotion of passive-aggressive individuals is pent-up anger, which is associated with opposition to the rules established by authority. It is quite conscious and is replaced by anxiety in anticipation of repression and the threat of the cessation of power supply.

Passive-aggressive people are sensitive to anything that they perceive as a lack of respect or, in their opinion, an insufficient assessment of their personality. If you ask for something in a harsh manner or with a blank expression, they will most likely immediately become hostile.

However, put yourself in their shoes: how did you react the last time your boss dryly or harshly ordered you to do something? Even if you don't object to the nature of the order, you may be tempted to ignore the order because the boss's arrogant appearance and tone are irritating.

Passive-aggressive individuals often experience hidden anger, so being polite and friendly to them will make life a lot easier. And if your request or demand makes them uncomfortable, try to express your sympathy and understanding of the situation with a few friendly but respectful (not familiar!) phrases.

Compare two options for communicating with a waiter. First: “What kind of service?!” Can't it be faster?" Second: “I’m in a hurry! I see that the restaurant is busy and you have your hands full, but if you could serve me faster, I would be grateful to you.”

Of course, neither approach guarantees results. But by accepting the first one, you are likely to provoke another passive-aggressive reaction. The waiter, even if he speeds up, will find an opportunity to “punish” you in another way: he will “forget” to bring cutlery or one of the dishes, he will “disappear” when you are about to pay, or he will seat a noisy group at the next table.

A passive-aggressive person more often expresses his aggressiveness indirectly, believing that this way there is much less risk. In some cases, this actually works and reinforces the chosen behavior. But if you can encourage such a person to openly express his dissatisfaction, this will allow him to discuss the problem and, possibly, find a mutually acceptable solution.

If this is a person with whom you will have to interact more than once, the tactic of ignoring his indirect aggression is not the most constructive or useful. Try not to pretend that you don't notice the dissatisfaction. If your significant other or coworker is sulking at you, you may be tempted to remain silent and not react until everything passes. But, alas, in most cases this does not go away on its own.

Don't forget that passive-aggressive behavior is almost always some kind of signal or call. If you don't perceive it, the passive-aggressive type is likely to turn up the wattage until you respond one way or another. Failure to achieve a goal often inflames such people. For example, a question can push such an interlocutor to relax or move into an open dialogue: “It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something. Or am I wrong?

In dialogue, try not to criticize passive-aggressive people, giving them the image of parents lecturing. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a vicious circle of mutual vengeance.

Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have an opposite style, which indicates their reluctance to receive recognition and support from people in authority. The main problem is the conflict between

Chapter 15. Passive-aggressive personality disorder Diagnostic features Most characteristic feature passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) - resistance to external demands, which usually manifests itself in oppositional and obstructive

11 AGGRESSIVE CHARACTER TRAITS VANITY AND AMBITION As soon as the desire for self-affirmation takes over, it provokes an increase in mental stress. Accordingly, when power and superiority over others become increasingly important goals for an individual,