Methods of effective communication: psychology of communication. Effective communications

The original article entitled "The Essentials of Compassionate Communication" written by Jon Russell can be found here.

I liked this article and decided to translate it into Russian. In general, it says obvious things, but how many of us can boast that we apply them in life?

Basics of Effective Communication

We have all found ourselves in situations of total misunderstanding. Either we felt that we were not understood, or those with whom we communicated experienced this unpleasant feeling. And we were sometimes left in the dark as to what exactly was happening. We were lost in conjectures like how could we not understand each other so much, what was our mistake? We were amazed at the stubbornness of other people who could not understand what we were trying to tell them.

This article shows how people commonly encounter communication problems and describes effective communication techniques that help avoid pitfalls and allow people to better understand each other.

Let us first pay attention to the causes of communication problems. They can be divided into three groups:

1. Our tendency to interpret and judge what we observe
2. Our tendency to blame and hold others responsible for our experiences
3. Our resistance to others understanding our needs, aspirations and what is important to us

Marshall Rosenberg has studied communication styles around the world. He noticed that in difficult situations, most people in various world cultures tend to use harsh words. It also happens that while being polite and considerate in communicating with other people, we allow harsh and offensive expressions towards ourselves.

To make the metaphor easier to understand, he called this language the “Language of the Jackal.” It doesn't matter what your native language is, the "Jackal Language" is part of many modern languages. With its help, people say things like: “You must understand perfectly well what I’m talking about,” “Why can’t you tidy up your room?!”, “You’re an idiot and you’re nothing but trouble.” This language tests people, judges them and labels them. It's not a very friendly language, and we all speak it to one degree or another.

But Marshall also noted that not every culture spoke the "Jackal Language." There were several cultures in which there were no wars and conflicts were rare. They had a different way of interacting with each other, a more cordial one. And the way they communicated with each other showed their desire to understand each other, and not to judge, reproach and label each other.

He decided to call this language “Giraffe Language”. Named after an animal with a big heart and the ability to see far ahead. When we speak Giraffe Language, we see no advantage in attacking, swearing at, or labeling the other person. We are more interested in the feelings of our interlocutor, in his desires and needs.

Speaking in the language of metaphors, “The Language of the Giraffe” is the language of the heart, the language that connects us. “The Language of the Jackal” is the language that divides us.

So we begin to study the “Language of the Giraffe”. We will study it by examining our reactions when communicating, and doing exercises that will clearly show how we have communicated up to now and how we can communicate to understand each other.

Effective communication skills

Below is a list of the main skills that help us communicate effectively with each other.

1. The ability to hear and see what is important to our interlocutor. What are his needs and aspirations. Even if our interlocutor does not know how to communicate with us in the same way. Remain “involved in this process”, despite the fact that our interlocutor speaks harshly and swears. According to our metaphor, this skill was called
   “listen with the ears of a giraffe.”
2. The ability to better understand what needs, aspirations and desires are hidden behind our grief, confusion, opposition and condemnation.
3. The ability to notice subtle and sometimes striking differences between psycho-somatic sensations like “I feel sad” and sensory-interpreted ones like “I feel betrayed.”
4. The ability to understand how people typically interpret and analyze what they see and how they make mistakes when looking at themselves.
5. The ability to see the subtle difference between a request and a demand, and how demands divide us, and how requests connect us.
6. The ability to truly understand the fact that just because something is important to another person doesn't mean we have to do it. That understanding people does not at all mean that we agree with them. And that our understanding of them does not mean that they are right and we are wrong. These false beliefs are key reasons misunderstandings in emerging conflicts.

Listen with “giraffe ears”

The metaphor of the ears of a giraffe and a jackal is important point, which we will focus on.

If in communication we perceive words directed at us “with the ears of the Jackal,” then in these words we hear complaints, criticism and aggression. This, in turn, entails our response in the form of aggression and/or taking a defensive position, and simply a feeling of unhappiness and misunderstanding.

But once we “put on the giraffe’s ears,” we have a magical translator. Criticism, scolding and aggression of others are now translated into a description of their feelings, sensations, unfulfilled desires and aspirations. And we perceive a person’s pain, but do not take it personally.

We can show empathy and be on the same page with a person when we hear descriptions of their feelings and aspirations.

As Marshall said, criticism, complaints, judgment and aggression are all tragic expressions of difficult feelings and unfulfilled expectations.

Empathy or “Being heard and understood”

It is important to understand that in stressful situation We often cannot hear what is happening with another person until we feel that we ourselves are heard and understood. But if we feel that we were actually heard and understood, that we understood what we want or need, then we relax and can finally hear what is important to our interlocutor.

In a conflict situation, when one person is upset and the other is not, it is easier for the non-upset person to listen to the other and make him feel understood.

But if both parties are very upset, then they both need to be understood and cannot hear what their interlocutor is telling them.

So, if both parties are upset, how can we get around this need to be heard and understood before we hear the other? The answer is to find your inner source
understanding that is independent of the other person, what Marshall calls “Self Empathy” or “Self Empathy.”

Empathy for oneself is a simple condition for inner peace and concentration, which, if fulfilled even partially, gives us the opportunity to hear another, even if at that moment a storm of emotions is raging within us.

People who have this skill are usually very respected in society, since not every person has mastered this skill.

But this quality can be developed by each of us who intends to do this and sees the need to make his life and the life around him happier.

Four steps to effective communication

Effective communication consists of four steps, which can be applied in different ways. Now we will simply list them, and then consider each of them in more detail. So:

1. Voice what is happening (in conflict, this is usually what happened that led us to upset feelings).
2. Voice your feelings.
3. Voice hidden desires, needs, values ​​and important things. Usually what we wished would happen or feared would not happen.
4. Ask for help if necessary.

These four steps are used in two ways depending on:

A) When we try to sincerely tell another about what is happening to us

B) When we try to help another tell us what is happening to him

So, let's look at both options in more detail:

A) Sincere expression of your feelings:

Step 1: When I (saw, heard, etc.)……. (description) ……..
Step 2: I felt... (your feelings conveyed in an accessible form) ……
Step 3: Because I wanted…….. (your expectations, hopes, etc.)……
Step 4: And now I would like ...... (a request, but by no means a demand) ....

B) Listening with empathy*

Step 1: When you (said, heard, etc.)……. (description) ……..
Step 2: You felt…….. (what you think your interlocutor might have felt)……..
Step 3: Because you wanted……. (what you think your interlocutor needed, what he expected, etc.)
Step 4: And now you would like…….. (what you think your interlocutor would like)

*
In this part, when we are trying to understand what another person is feeling, we are not trying to tell him the answer, rather we are simply trying to hear him. Make a first attempt to understand and obtain information that will allow us to adjust our guess in the right direction. When the interlocutor corrects us, we repeat the corrected thought as we understand it and so on until we come to complete mutual understanding. This part is about the aspirations and hopes of our interlocutor, our aspirations and hopes should not be discussed at this moment.

Observations of what is happening

The ability to separate observations of facts from one's assessments of these facts is the highest degree of human intelligence.
-Jiddhu Krishnamurti

Here are some common types of assessments:

• Condemnation
• Analysis
• Interpretation
• Labeling
• Projections

It is an obvious fact that we all tend to habitually and automatically evaluate and interpret what we observe. This may have had benefits for survival in the jungle by helping us predict what might happen after certain events. But when we are not in life-threatening situations, this ability to evaluate, interpret and mentally imagine the outcome does not serve us at all. Instead, she adds an unhappy, even poisonous, meaning to what we are witnessing.

We often invent information that has nothing to do with events, usually returning to similar situations in our past. And, being in our thoughts about our past experiences, we can easily imagine that someone is telling us such words or means something that in fact he does not say or think. The mechanism that causes anxiety is our uncontrolled imagination. It tells us that unwanted events may occur. These mental images and projections are one of the main causes of conflicts that arise.

Most people are not aware of this process happening in their heads. When we see or hear something, instead of simply noting what happened, we often react to it - we worry about the consequences, creating dark scenarios in our brains and immediately becoming upset about them. We project our dark thoughts onto what our interlocutor is actually doing, saying or thinking and we become angry. We return to our past, to similar and, of course, unpleasant situations and think “we have already seen this before” and come to the conclusion that the events we are observing now are also bad.

Eat infinite number ways to use your mind to speculate and complete what is happening - and in this way plunge yourself into complete mental disorder.

We cherish the mental images we have drawn as if the creation of our minds is nothing less than the absolute truth. We rarely think to check the facts before we voice our condemnation. We have a lot of experience in being upset.

So the first skill of effective communication is to develop the ability to consciously distinguish between situations. When we observe something, and when we begin to add to the observed picture, adding our ideas, concerns, projections and interpretations, when we begin to analyze and label. We just want to bring awareness to this process so that we can clearly see whether our thoughts reflect what is happening without distortion, or whether they need to be corrected.

The easiest way to do this is to imagine yourself as a video camera. If during a conversation between two people this or that situation arises, the video camera will show exactly what they say, how loudly, and what facial expressions they have. But she will not interpret and say something like, “These two people are quarreling. And they quarrel because one of them is an idiot, and the other is a victim of his idiocy.” Only people can try to think through situations that arise, interpret them in a convenient way and give arguments regardless of whether their interpretations are correct. So let's try to work with the video camera a little and see if we can see the real picture.

Our Different Kinds of Experiences

What is the difference between someone saying, “I feel neglected” and “I feel sad”?

When I say, “I feel neglected,” I am actually making two statements. The first is that I feel an unpleasant feeling, and the second is blaming someone for doing something bad to me. IN in this case- neglected me. It's the same as saying, "I feel bad because you neglected me." The truth may actually be that the person was late for the meeting and simply did not have time to talk to me.

So the difference between “I feel neglected” and “I feel sad” is that the first expression contains an interpretation that the other person may not agree with - in which case he will say that he did not neglect you , I was just late for the meeting and didn’t have the opportunity to communicate.

And the phrase “I feel sad” says something that no one can argue with. Because she talks about my inner experience, what and how I feel. I repeat - this is one of the primary causes of conflicts and grief - disagreement with the interpretation of certain facts.

Another example. If I tell another person that “I feel betrayed,” he may feel that I am throwing a stone at him. Even if he wants to understand and feel my pain, it will be very difficult for him to do this. Because my words sound like aggression, like an attack. Saying “I feel betrayed” is the same as saying “I feel bad because you betrayed me.” Yes, it's true that I feel terrible. But another person will immediately disagree with how I interpret it.

And what can we do about all this?

This is another example of the confrontation between observations and interpretations. We just need to listen more closely to what we actually feel and notice how we bring our interpretations to the observed picture.

Needs, Values, Desires, Aspirations, Hopes and Dreams

We cannot fully experience all our needs and aspirations while we are trying to evaluate them. We will also never encourage another person to reveal their needs and aspirations to us while they feel that we are judging them.

The words in the title are important to us. These words mean what is important to us and sometimes what we live for.

Throughout life, we constantly notice what attracts us and what we need to survive and be happy. This is a fairly wide range of concepts, starting with the basic ones such as food, water, safety and sleep, to more high level- the desire for love, a sense of belonging to society, and others - such as the meaning of life and the desire to make the world happier.

When we feel that some of these very important things to us are under threat, we automatically react, usually unconsciously, to protect what we feel is vital.

The truth is that we usually share the same desires and aspirations. But if we don't communicate with others, we often don't work together to align our inner desires, and we will never know that the other person actually respects our desires and wants us to be happy.

These needs and aspirations are hidden deep in our souls and we are only half aware of them. When we feel a threat to our needs and aspirations, we often do not let the people around us know about it. And due to our tendency to use “Jackal language,” we are often afraid to admit many of our needs and aspirations—seeing how others harshly judge and evaluate them.

In Giraffe language, we become more aware of our needs that feel threatened. And we understand that all needs and aspirations come from the heart. And we boldly identify them in order to find the mutual satisfaction of our aspirations and needs, instead of a verbal skirmish.

There are many different synonyms for verbally denoting things that are important to us. Knowing these words will help us so that we can more clearly designate what is of value to us. Some of these words are included in the title.

Accusations and complaints

In many cultures, but not all, it is common to believe that if something goes wrong, then someone in particular should be judged. This is a distortion of the principle of responsibility. True responsibility has nothing to do with conviction or wrongdoing. However, for many people these concepts are closely intertwined and indistinguishable.

And when something goes wrong in our life, and our frustration and experiences are very strong, we easily return to the old strategy of condemnation. AND
the haste with which we do this may simply be uncontrollable.

We seek relief for our intense feelings and pain, and we think that by directing our difficult feelings towards someone specific person will give us relief - but it only works for a short period of time.

If there is no one around whom we can mentally judge, we begin to blame ourselves instead. And if we find someone who is even slightly involved in what is happening to us, we begin to blame him. We scold the postman for a letter that arrived late, we scold the government because we don't have a good job, or we scold our spouse for not feeling loved in the way we want.

If we look at the blaming process from the outside, we can see that it is not very effective as a strategy for alleviating mental suffering. It seems effective in the first few seconds, but in the long run it makes life very difficult. The person being accused will feel hurt and resentful. And in the long term, the cost for our relationship will be very high, since accusations divide us, cause fear, anger and pain.

The complaint is related to the accusations, it is just less focused than the accusation.

It is understandable that we want to get rid of strong frustration. And most effective way is to act in a way that suggests the principle of effective communication:

1. Clearly observe without judgment what happened
2. Feel and accept your feelings
3. Pay attention to the values, needs, and aspirations that seem threatened or undermined in a given situation.

Another level of sincerity

Telling the truth

We often repeat that we “tell the truth” when we directly and sharply tell our interlocutor what we feel and what we see, especially in moments of strong emotional unrest. It could be important step in personal growth, especially for those of us who are overly polite and hide what we think and feel. Brad Blanton, in his book Radical Honesty, describes very well how we fall into the grips of fear, shame and the traps set by our own politeness, and how to break out of them. His book is worth reading.

But don’t think that releasing our original thoughts and feelings is the end of the road. Usually these first expectations are only our reactions, and not the real truth about what is really going on in our souls. These first reactions usually contain our judgments and projections. Are by to a greater extent talking about another person and do not contain enough information about what is really bothering us so much. Paul Lowe talks about this in his book:

“The only way to surpass yourself as a human being is to be responsible for yourself at every level. This includes being willing to identify the source of our anxiety rather than blaming someone else. In fact, it can be quite different - when we are worried, instead of blaming others, we should thank them for helping us find a place in our soul that is unbalanced.”
Paul Lowe "At Every Moment"

So, how is it possible to be COMPLETELY HONEST and COMPLETELY SAY WHAT'S ON OUR SOUL?
We do this by sincerely owning our interpretations, projections and judgments, as well as feelings, needs and aspirations - and talking about them instead of talking about the other person.

When we speak honestly and truthfully about what just happened in our soul, we are often surprised at how interested our interlocutor can be, instead of becoming defensive when we try to talk about him or how he treated us .

The key point to help us remember is: “Be selfish!”

Use every situation that upsets or worries you as an opportunity for personal growth. If I say that I tell others about them in order to help THEM, I will most likely be lying, because this is a way to avoid disputes with my internal problems. And instead, trying to change the other person so that he doesn't make me nervous. I act differently, I selfishly share what is happening in my soul, talking about myself. And this process is so amazing that other people, being carried away by this sincerity, begin to change.

Denial is hard to give and hard to receive.

When we voice our desires, needs, aspirations, etc., it is important to try to voice them in a positive rather than a negative way. Let me give you an example.

We often say things like, “I don’t want to live in a house that’s so messy.” To fulfill this request, the other person must clearly understand what exactly you want. Since ideas about disorder different people vary. If you say, “I want to live in a clean house,” or “I want to live in a house where the floors are clean,” it will be easier to imagine what exactly you want. But even in this case, you have the opportunity to clarify your desires.

Marshall tells the story of a woman who told her husband, “I don’t like the fact that you spend so much time at work.” Thinking that his wife didn't like his workaholism, the husband joined the bowling team the following week. But this did not make his wife any happier. Because she actually wanted him to spend more time with her. So, by being more precise when voicing our desires, we get what we actually expect to receive.

There may be times when it will take you a long time to clearly articulate what you want without using negative language. For example, you can say “I want to live in a house in which dirty clothes are not scattered on the floor” and this, with a little mental effort, leads to the conclusion - “Live in a house that is clean and tidy.” But just try it and you will see how different it feels when you voice your desires in a positive way.

Requests versus demands

Demand 100% of what you want.and be prepared to hear “NO” as an answer.

Making requests to other people is a normal part of our ordinary life. There are things we need, and we talk about them to people who can help us.

In addition, using the request method is also the fourth step of effective communication. But voicing a request is not always necessary and depends on the situation. If you have a good grasp of the principles of effective communication, you will notice that you use only those steps that are required in each specific situation.

The important thing to understand about a request is that it is very different from a demand. It is also important to remember that even a politely spoken “request” is actually a demand if we are annoyed or punish the interlocutor for not giving us what we require.

Voicing demands will always have a temporary effect. Because in the long run, the other person will be outraged and distance themselves from us and our attempts to force them to do something.

Another important aspect of asking is that we are often embarrassed to ask for what we want. And when we gain enough courage to voice our request, it will be even more difficult to listen to the answer “NO”.

The tricky part about making a request is being willing and open to being told no. When we hear “NO”, it is important to understand that we are hearing the answer in relation to the person to whom our request is directed. And his feelings and needs are not words about ourselves. If we take these words personally, we immediately take a defensive position and lose contact with the interlocutor.

You also need to voice your needs in a positive way, Marshall uses the same idea when talking about requests. Here he says that it is important to use positive language in speech. Which means we have to ask for something that is some kind of observable action, like “I would really like to spend two or three nights a week with you.” This is a clear definition and can be followed if desired. But it’s difficult to give something vague and non-specific like “I would like you to spend more time with me” or “I would like our relationship to become better.” Neither of the two
The above requests cannot be easily fulfilled or demonstrated.

More about requests and demands

How we interact with our hopes and expectations

Much of our emotional pain comes from our expectations.

We constantly face a choice in life - to be right or to be happy. We cannot choose both options at once.—Ian Jampolski

Much of our pain comes from our expectations. The idea is not to be free of all expectations. But to be more conscious of them when they cause us pain. And at this moment we have a choice - to let the expectation pass and stop thinking about it, or to admit that we had this expectation.

The requirements are very close to the expectations. And we see how demands alienate and separate us from those we care about.

If we want to be happy, it is important not to judge anyone else's aspirations, needs, or even their expectations, which includes our own. We are more interested in accepting what we want from life and what others want from life - and finding the most effective way to interact with them. In this case, we get almost what we wanted, and at the same time we remain in close contact with those from whom we expect certain actions.

The happiest people are those who are the most flexible and have the ability to enjoy a wide variety of different situations, even those that they never expected. Because their expectations are not strictly fixed, they are open to what may happen and be a pleasant surprise, just like the events they expected and hoped would happen.

According to the classical religions of the East, we can call our waiting another form of attachment. But we don't need to judge attachments and expectations, we just want to know what awaits us on the path of life and understand the paths we have tried to take to satisfy them. We may then notice that the methods we have used have affected our connections with others and made them closer or more distant.

Recognizing the wants and needs of others

One of the greatest challenges facing the student of effective communication is to be able to RECOGNIZE others' wants and needs without judging them. Often when we hear what others want, we react by telling them: “You don’t want this, you shouldn’t want this, you want too much, this is stupid, unnecessary, inappropriate, etc.”

We feel that it is much easier to argue with them about the appropriateness or inappropriateness of their needs than to deal with our inner experience regarding this. It seems that once you have recognized their wants or needs, then you must do something to meet them, which you are not planning to do.

We can simply hear them, understand them and feel the importance for this person, but not even try to imagine how he will achieve what he wants.

It is important to understand that accepting other people's needs and desires does not mean that we have to do something to fulfill them. Much more important for all of us is that our feelings, desires and needs are heard and understood. How exactly they will be satisfied in the end is secondary. Think about it.

The importance of contact with a person is that we have an understanding of what he wants. And even if we cannot do what he wants, we are able to help him find an opportunity to get what he strives for.

Fragment from the book by Neil Fiore. Psychology of personal effectiveness. How to beat stress, stay focused and enjoy your work. - M.: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2013.

This book, written by an experienced psychologist, will allow you to look at your work from the outside, change your attitude towards many things, and develop useful habits that increase motivation and reduce stress.

Communication is needed to motivate, influence, train, manage, persuade,
and coming together around the organization's mission and personal ideas and goals.
Tony Alessandra "Platinum Rule"

Effective communication is undoubtedly necessary for the successful implementation of organizational goals. Distorted, misinterpreted messages often cause defeats large companies, armies and peoples. However, many managers, entrepreneurs and business people still think that communication involves the ability to give orders, argue and make excuses. Whereas, first of all, it is active listening. As Americans joke, for New Yorkers, listening means waiting for their turn to speak.

Any salesperson knows that you need to listen to a potential client to understand his needs, and to maintain long-term cooperation, you need to put yourself in his shoes, speak at the same pace and in the same phrases. In other words, a successful business is built on long-term relationships with clients. When you provide them with quality services, a rapport is established between you. After an argument or discussion, you move to another level, realizing that you were heard, understood and friendly. Deep relationships are built on effective communications that build loyalty among colleagues, subordinates and clients.

Effective or ineffective

• Ineffective communication is arguing with others, aimed at protecting your goals and plans. It implies the presence of winners and losers. This style of “communication” is rooted in a philosophy that divides the world into two: “right and wrong,” “victory and defeat,” or “good and bad,” without taking into account intermediate states. There is only one correct opinion, so we can neglect the views and experiences of people who can enrich our knowledge of the world and form a holistic picture. Instead, we constantly defend our narrow views. A pause in the conflict is considered a success when the defender temporarily retreats. Disagreement eventually results in resistance, loss of team effectiveness, and even sabotage until a balance of power and respect prevails.
• Effective communication, in turn, aims to understand the views, feelings and opinions of others. When two sides listen to each other, both win. Mutual understanding and respect become the basis of cooperation, interdependence and loyalty. Success will be achieved if each side says: “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. You understand me."

Effective communication skills allow opposites to coexist—the ultimate ability to understand another point of view and find compromise. Why argue about who is right and who is wrong? The goal of effective communication is to establish and maintain rapport, support and working relationships that are mutually beneficial and therefore long-lasting.

By demonstrating a willingness to listen and understand the other person's position and experience (without denying your own point of view), you create an atmosphere of safety and acceptance that increases the likelihood of signing a profitable contract or closing a deal.

The Power of Active Listening

The power of active listening is most evident in customer service and negotiations. The better his staff works, the fewer complaints and the more satisfied customers and repeat business.

Well-trained department employees offer excellent service, learn to avoid disputes and try to smooth out conflict situations.

My effective communication training includes listening exercises that involve dividing the audience into subordinates (or customers) and managers (or service employees). The initial goal is to listen to at least three sentences and then rephrase what was said until the speaker confirms that he has been heard and understood. When participants demonstrate that they share the client's disappointment or irritation, the client moderates his ardor. One real customer even said, “Oh, you're so sweet. I thought you would argue with me or accuse me of lying.”

Once at a seminar in construction company the engineers interrupted their speech and began arguing and looking for a solution to the problem even before the subordinate finished his sentence. Even in conditions role playing game the discussion was quite heated. When you try to express your dissatisfaction and resentment, and they don’t listen to you, it is very annoying.

It took several days of practice before the construction company employees learned to listen to ten sentences in a row and were able to accurately paraphrase what the speaker was trying to say. Several training participants (mostly male audience) told me during a break that these classes also help in communicating with their wife. To which I replied: “If you want to achieve more, insert the words “Continue” and “You're right” from time to time.”

Naturally, active listening helps not only in personal relationships, but also in work. service department, in the field of personnel management, etc. Among other things, if you listen carefully to your interlocutor, there is no time left to come up with counterarguments or justify your position. Engaging in speech demonstrates approval and allows the speaker to feel comfortable and open up even more. This means more satisfied customers, repeat business and increased sales. Effective communication skills directly affect the profits of any business.

Exercises for Effective Communication

Participants in my trainings know that the more relevant the topic and the more emotional the discussion, the more relentlessly they need to follow the guidelines to achieve mutually beneficial communication. The process of attentive and active listening flows much more naturally if you apply these rules in practice several times.

• Decide how long each of you will talk continuously.
• Look at each other and observe facial expressions and gestures. You shouldn't be separated foreign objects, and the distance between you should be comfortable, about a meter and a half.
• Determine who speaks first. While one expresses a thought, the other listens carefully and observes. The listener concentrates on the words of the interlocutor, his intonation and body movements, in order to then retell the message. The speaker stops after three to five phrases - quite enough for the listener to grasp the meaning, and not so much that he forgets the essence of what was said.
• The listener retells the words, describes the speaker’s gestures and facial expressions without any interpretation or correction. If the speaker takes too high a tempo, the listener can interrupt him with words:
• “Just a minute, let me make sure I understand what you said earlier.”
• After the listener has presented his version, the speaker indicates what he is right about, corrects mistakes and confirms that he was heard and understood verbal and non-verbal messages.
• The exercise continues until the speaker finishes and feels satisfied that he was understood. Then the participants change roles (you can even switch places) and repeat everything from the beginning.

Retelling someone's thoughts requires attention to the speaker's words, intonation and gestures. You must provide feedback in the form of a distillation of verbal and nonverbal cues. By expressing the thoughts of your interlocutor, you pursue the following goals:

• Focus your attention on the other person, instead of judging, arguing, or looking for a solution.
• Show respect and a sincere attempt to understand.
• Check if you understood everything correctly.
• Allow your interlocutor to clarify the meaning of what has been stated, as well as find out other meanings of the address. For example, you could say, “Your words suggest that you are offended, but your tone of voice and clenched fist make me think you might even be angry.”

Use this guide at least once, and then refer to it as needed. The main thing is to listen to each other and not argue. Companies that adopt active listening skills can easily remove barriers to communication, negotiation, and productive teamwork.

Principles of communication

You communicate continuously

To ensure that your silence or gestures are interpreted correctly, it is better to immediately communicate your physical and emotional state.

“If you think I'm a little unfocused, don't take it personally. I just caught a terrible cold.”

“It’s hard for me to talk about my feelings. I’m afraid this will ruin our relationship, but I’m very angry that you didn’t support me in the meeting.”

Hearing does not mean understanding

Try not to deliberately think negatively about the character or intentions of others and ask them to clarify the idea if you doubt the meaning of a particular message or gesture.

“I think I understood your point, but to be sure, I’d better repeat it.”

“Perhaps I wrote down the meeting time incorrectly. I was waiting for you at 9 am."

Communication is not complete until the listener confirms that you are right.

Compare the two dialogues.

• I completely agree with you. I'm looking forward to taking a walk in the park.
• It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
• Did you watch the Los Angeles Lakers game yesterday?

The speaker must make sure that the listener understands him

Put yourself in his shoes. Try to get a feel for the listener's cultural context. Pay attention to differences in language and meaning.

“You look puzzled. Maybe I was unclear?

“Sorry, I want to make sure you understand what I mean. Let me explain it differently."

Use the pronoun "I"

Stay true to your subjective truth, your problem, and your goals. For example:

“I’m faced with one problem: I want to promote you, but I can’t because you’re late and don’t deliver projects on time.”

Try not to get into your soul, analyze or dictate your will. Don't say:

“As much as possible! You’re always late (you forget, you take it to heart).”

Avoid sarcasm and jokes during serious discussions. When expressing hurt, anger, or disappointment, use the pronoun “I.” For example:

“I don’t care about sarcasm. If you’re angry, tell me directly and stop repeating that I don’t understand jokes or take everything to heart.”

No mutual complaints

Communication is most effective when it focuses on one speaker or one issue. Give up any excuses. The person complaining must be:

• heard;
• understood;
• convinced that you are on the way to a compromise even before the listener responds and retells his words.

Plan for cool-down periods and venting moments

When the arguments are exhausted and begin to go in circles, it is better to take a break and calm down.

“Are you comfortable talking now? Maybe we can move it to 9 pm?”

Different communication styles and preferences

Communication fails for a number of reasons, among which one of the main ones is differences in styles, cultures and preferences. Although in general this is a given, not a problem. Business people simply need to have excellent communication skills.

Personality styles and communication preferences can be arranged along the coordinate axes as follows: direct versus indirect and task-oriented versus person-oriented.

Four communication styles and personality types:

1. Direct and task-oriented: directors, managers, presidents.
2. Direct and people-oriented: salespeople and PR people.
3. Indirect and task-oriented: accountant and technical staff.
4. Indirect and people-oriented: HR managers and administrative staff.

Every team must have all personality types and communication styles (see Table 4.1). These are general categories; in reality, attitudes, styles and preferences in communication intersect and combine. But the table reminds us of their differences. Remember that difference is a given, not a problem.

Styles of information perception

In addition to different communication styles, your subordinates, partners and clients perceive information differently, that is, everyone sees, hears and interprets it in their own way. One of the communication specialists, former head coach of the Oakland Raiders John Madden once said: “Some players just need to explain the play and they will understand. You don’t need to say anything to others, but rather draw it on the board. And others need to be explained, drawn, and they still won’t understand until they run across the field themselves.”

Madden earned a teaching degree and, at age 42, became the youngest coach to achieve 100-win seasons. In practice, he encountered the fact that some perceive information auditorily (auditory learners), others visually (visual learners), and others physically (kinesthetic learners).

To effectively train and communicate with your people, figure out their typical perceptual style so that they hear you and be heard, see what you mean and grasp what you want to convey to them. If you carefully listen and observe clients and employees, you will find that they use words that signal the most comfortable ways for them to absorb information. Auditory learners listen to sound and intonation. They are very sensitive to emotions expressed in their voices. Visual learners need to see words, otherwise they won't understand you. Kinesthetic learners must physically and emotionally feel what you are talking about, touch it and let it pass through themselves.

Observe for a few days what words reveal your communication style. Also notice how the best salespeople adapt to their customers' communication styles.

These skills are usually overlooked, but they have a positive impact on business contacts, resolve conflicts much faster and turn you into an effective manager.

Table. Basic communication styles

Communication is the communication of people in their joint activities, the exchange of information, emotions, feelings, contexts. Sometimes for the purpose of influence, sometimes for the purpose of informing, and sometimes for the purpose of self-expression. In any case, without communications, joint activities, like all other things in life, are unthinkable.

In a professional environment, the effectiveness of communications takes on a new meaning - it makes it possible for employees to work quickly, efficiently and harmoniously together as a team. Clean, transparent communications significantly increase the speed of advancement of both employees and the Company as a whole.

The communication process is multifaceted and how to manage this process? It is important to understand the structure psychological essence and master the tools for building effective communications - this is what our training is about!

This program will allow you to develop the ability to understand people based on their internal filters of perception of reality, speak the same language with them, thereby quickly reaching agreement, effectively resolving conflict situations, understanding what the interlocutor wants to convey and, taking this into account, building a productive dialogue. This is especially important when employees, even from different departments, need to solve a common problem.

Also this program will help build partnerships: maintain a confident position, while communicating without pressure, taking into account the interests of all parties.

In general, the training helps us see the so-called “favorite” position that we occupy in relationships and understand how productive it is. Any communication is associated with emotions, so this training includes a block of emotional intelligence, which will help in the event of unproductive emotions to work effectively with them. Our emotional competence is one of the most important sources of effective communication.

Target:

Develop basic tools for effective communications within the team and the Company

Duration of training:
2 days

Participants:
managers of any level, employees of departments, companies

Program:

1st module "Communication barriers, transactional analysis of one’s own position in communications"

1. How to avoid barriers in communications when resolving joint issues?
1.1. Specifics of semantic and nonverbal barriers in communications
1.2. Are the ability to listen and hear the same thing?
1.3. Quality feedback in communication

2. Fundamental Principles of Effective Communication
2.1. E. Berne's theory of transactional analysis as the basis for understanding the patterns of communications
2.2. Who are we more in communication - Parent, Adult or Child?
2.3. The concept of transactions and their effectiveness
2.4. When does communication turn into conflict? Why does communication become impossible?
2.5. Building effective interaction
2.6. Creating a special atmosphere of openness and trust

2nd module “Company Values ​​as a Platform for Building Effective Communications”

1.1. I - team - business - world: components of corporate values
1.2. Effective problem solving and connection with the Company’s values
1.3. How is the organization and its employees developing?

3rd module “Assertive behavior”

1.1. The influence of aggressive and passive behavior for life and professional scenario
1.2. 6 principles of assertive behavior
1.3. Where is the balance in partnerships?
1.4. The “win-win” strategy is the key to maintaining long-term partnerships

4th module “Mechanisms for building joint agreements”

1.1. Specification of the general goal and criteria for its achievement
1.2. Methods for clarifying the goals and needs of the interlocutor
1.3. Argumentation of your own position
1.4. Questions that allow us to move closer to common agreements
1.5. Working with your interlocutor’s doubts at the value level
1.6. How to ensure that the agreements reached turn into actions?
1.7. What to do if the interlocutor is categorical and refuses to hear another point of view?

5th module “Development of emotional intelligence to manage the atmosphere of contact and build effective communications”

1. We are aware of other people's feelings
1.1. The ability to identify people’s emotions in building a strategy for joint interaction
1.2. How much can I understand another person's emotions?
1.3. What helps and what hinders you from understanding another person? Research your own settings and filters
1.4. Understanding another person's emotions through empathy and nonverbal cues
1.5. Basic emotions and how to recognize them?
1.6. Verbal communication in awareness and understanding of the feelings of another person
1.7. Empathic speaking training

2. We manage the atmosphere of contact, negotiations and relationships
2.1. Basic principles in managing the atmosphere of contact
2.2. General algorithm for controlling the contact atmosphere
2.3. Methods for managing the atmosphere of contact - at the time of communication and beyond

Nastasya Evdokimova and the Academy of Living Business are pleased to offer the opportunity to purchase a ready-made methodology for a 2-day training “How to effectively build communications.”

Included methodological manual for business coaches includes:

• detailed training script
• power point presentation
• stimulus material with instructions for games and exercises
• training participant workbook
• cinematic metaphors
• text for the certificate

2 - Buy ready-made methods while their prices are too low, it’s profitable. Prices for finished products are rising every year.

3 - Invest in your professionalism and earn money.

4 - All costs will be returned to you after the first training, and then - net profit.

Communication is the process and result of information exchange. Effective communications- exchange of information on the basis of which the manager accepts effective solutions and gets the opportunity to achieve high results.

There are several various types communications:

1) Internal and external communications.

2) Controlled and uncontrolled communications.

3) Formal and informal communications.

4) Vertical (top to bottom and bottom to top in the service hierarchy) and horizontal (between departments of the same level) communications.

5) Interpersonal and organizational communications.

6) Individual and group communications.

7) Incoming and outgoing communications.

The main reason for the low effectiveness of communications in organizations is the forgetting that communication is an exchange. In any exchange, both parties must play an active role: it is not enough just to convey information - the other party must perceive it.

The main goal of the communication process is to ensure understanding of the information being transmitted.

There are eight main categories of the communication process:

· Sender - a person or group of people who wants to communicate information.

· Message - the actual information, meaning and idea that the sender wants to convey.

· Channel - the way information is transmitted: orally, in writing, non-verbally, by telephone, via the Internet, etc.

· Code is a system of signs and symbols through which the meaning of a message is conveyed. The code can be spoken words, written text, gestures, facial expressions, conventional signals, etc.

· Context - external environment, setting, situation, filled with a system of individually distinguishable meanings and associations.

· Recipient - a person or group of people to whom the sender wants to convey his message.

· Noise (interference) - everything that distorts the meaning of the message.

· Feedback is the reaction (response) of the recipient to the message he has received.

Thus, the communication process includes several stages:

1. Formation of a message by the sender - internal formulation of an idea, awareness of the need to convey a message.

1. Channel selection and message expression in a code system.

2. Transmission of an encrypted message by the sender.

3. Perception of the encoded message by the recipient.

4. Decoding the code and formulating the message idea.

5. Reaction to the received message.

It is important to note that due to the imperfection of the code, differences in the interpretation of the context and the impact of noise at each stage communication process the meaning of the received message may differ (significantly) from the original meaning formulated by the sender.

There are interpersonal and organizational communications. If interpersonal communication problems lie in individual characteristics people and the context of message delivery, then the main focus of organizational communications becomes the creation of an effective message delivery system.

The main barriers to interpersonal communications are identified:

1. Barriers of perception - ambiguity in the interpretation of meanings depending on differences in individual contexts. Most often this manifests itself in the form of conflicts between areas of competence and barriers caused by people's attitudes.

2. Semantic barriers - ambiguity in the interpretation of the semantic shades of words, paralinguistic (intonation, tone, speed) and non-verbal factors of speech (accompanying gestures, facial expressions, posture, gaze).

3. Feedback barriers - ineffective feedback that does not provide the sender with enough information about the correctness of the perception of his message.

4. Inability to listen - most people are focused on expressing their own inner world much more than on perceiving and analyzing external information.

Western management experts offer several rules for effective listening, which are equally useful in domestic practice:

1. Stop talking.

2. Help the speaker to relax.

3. Show the speaker that you are ready to listen.

4. Eliminate irritations.

5. Empathize with the speaker.

6. Eliminate irritations.

7. Be patient.

8. Control your temper.

9. Avoid arguments and criticism.

10. Ask questions.

11. And once again: stop talking!

There are many ways to improve the effectiveness of interpersonal communications. For example: clarify your ideas before communicating them, be sensitive to possible semantic problems, be aware of your facial expressions, gestures, posture, intonation, and express an openness and willingness to understand.

Seek feedback by, for example, using the following techniques: ask questions; ask your interlocutor to retell your thoughts; evaluate the language of postures, gestures and intonations of the interlocutor, which may indicate confusion and misunderstanding; control the first results of work; Always be prepared to answer questions.

Let's consider the main types of barriers in communication processes organizations.

1. Distortion of messages is a phenomenon in which the structural units of an organization receive information that is not adequate to the real situation. Distortions in communication networks lead to a significant slowdown in the pace of work in the organization. Decision-making and implementation must begin simultaneously: understanding how a job should be done is as important as deciding what should be done.

2. Information overload is possible in cases where members of an organization are not able to effectively respond to all the information they need and filter out a certain part of it, which, in their opinion, is the least important. Especially often information overload observed among managers who are responsible for resolving many (even the smallest) issues related to managing the activities of the organization’s divisions.

3. Weaknesses in the structure of the organization have a significant negative impact on the functioning communication networks. The most common of these shortcomings is an unsuccessful configuration - the existence of a large number of control levels, when information is lost or distorted when passing from level to level. This is especially true for upward communication flows (bottom up, from subordinates to managers).

Another significant drawback should be recognized as the presence of conflicts between individual groups and divisions of the organization.

4. A high degree of spatial differentiation creates barriers to the passage of information along certain communication channels due to the remoteness of individual structural units of the organization. First of all, this concerns control and feedback channels, as well as channels through which printed information is transmitted (documents, scientific or technological literature, etc.).

Conflicts between different departments and people in the organization.

Problems associated with creating effective communications can be divided into two main groups: problems of structural communications and problems arising in the course of interpersonal communication. In organizations with a complex multi-level structure, as a rule, problems arise with the transfer of information. The more levels there are in the structure of an organization, the greater the likelihood of significant contradictions appearing in it. The main problem of communications between elements of the organizational structure is due to uncertainty in the relationships between individual structural units of the organization. At the same time, orders and directives of the governing body of the organization may not correspond to the situation, may not be understood by subordinates, may be duplicated, and subsequent messages may contradict previously sent ones. In addition, if the situation is uncertain, horizontal connections between individual divisions or members of the organization become unreliable, information reaches the divisions chaotically, which causes information hunger.

Thus, the role of communication in managing an organization is very great. The formation of communication networks and the creation of conditions for the successful functioning of communications in an organization constitute one of the most important management tasks. It is no coincidence that German scientists W. Siegert and L. Lang note: “The bread of the people of an organization is information and communications. If violated information flows within the enterprise and communication with the outside world, the very existence of this enterprise is under threat. Information alone is not enough. Only when it is appropriately converted and processed, i.e. when communication connections arise, existence and efficient operation organizations".

Information exchange is included as a vital link in all the main activities of the organization, therefore, if communication links (both internal and external) do not exist or function, it negatively affects the functioning of the entire organization. This is due to a number of reasons: heads of departments of the organization have to spend a lot of time searching necessary information and its processing; duplication of information occurs, since the same information comes to the organization’s divisions and to its management from different sources; in some departments and some managers there is a lack of information, while in other departments information overload may occur; employees of the organization have little knowledge of its activities, etc. In this regard, one of the main goals of management in an organization is to create a communication system, launch it and control normal functioning. At the same time, it is the manager, as the subject of management, who is entrusted with the responsible mission of creating and maintaining effective communications in the organization. Management studies show that 80 percent of the working time of managers at all levels is spent on communication. The question is how effective this communication is, and therefore how effectively most of the working time is used.

A modern person strives to be successful everywhere - both at work and in personal life. Career, family, friends - all these are components of life, and effective communication allows you to improve all areas and come to maximum agreement. Everyone should strive to improve their social skills. Even if difficulties arise initially, over time this knowledge will bring well-deserved results - reliable interpersonal connections.

Definition of communication

Different ways of transmitting information from one person to another are called communication. It includes all the variety of channels for transmitting and decoding signals and can be:

• verbal;
• non-verbal;
• written;
• pictographic;
• spatial-symbolic, etc.

Communication is considered effective when the sender of information communicates on the same wavelength as the recipient. However, even communication in a single sign system does not guarantee that the message will be correctly deciphered.

Effective communication minimizes the loss of meaning of the message. To successfully promote a business, to maintain friendships, and for a vibrant personal life, it will be useful for any person to improve their communication skills.

Basics of Effective Communication

Communication as a banal exchange of information is already present in the simplest animals. Man, in the process of evolution, has brought communication to perfection. Spoken language developed and gradually expanded to written, symbolic and figurative. However, this process has made understanding more difficult, and effective communication is becoming a separate object of study.

The communication process includes five elements:

1. A communicator is someone who conveys information.
2. Contents of the message.
3. The method of transmitting information (how it is carried out).
4. The audience, or recipient, is who the message is intended for.
5. The final stage of communication, which allows us to understand whether effective communication has taken place. It is only possible if the previous four are sufficiently satisfactory.

Principles of Effective Communication

Without positive communication, it is impossible to achieve mutual understanding on any issue. In order to make sure that other people correctly perceive outgoing information, it is necessary to comply with a number of requirements.

First of all, you need to pay attention to the principles of effective communication:

1. Communication should be two-way. When all participants are interested in a positive outcome of the conversation, and it is equal for them, the desired effect occurs.
2. The recipient must make every effort to correctly perceive the message.
3. The message must be clear, structured and concise.
4. The recipient must trust the speaker, respect his opinion and not question his competence.
5. Effective communication is always emotional, to the extent that is acceptable in a given situation.
6. Patience and forbearance towards other people's shortcomings. Accepting people as they are, without trying to adjust or fix anything.

Below we will discuss the main conditions for effective communication.

How to achieve a positive effect from communication?

For communication to be considered effective, certain conditions must be met:

1. Speech must correspond to the original purpose of the conversation and be adequate. Don't talk too much or bring up issues that have nothing to do with the topic being discussed. This improves effective communication skills.
2. The words used must be logical and lexically accurate; this is very important to achieve the goal of communication. Achieved through constant self-education, reading various literature and careful attention to the native language.
3. The narrative itself should be logical and competent. A clear structure of presentation creates favorable conditions for listeners and increases the chances of a positive outcome.

Effective Communication Techniques

Any person lives in society and is dependent on it. Even the most desperate homebodies, perhaps not directly, but enter into interpersonal relationships. Effective communication will be useful both for work and for everyday social connections. Communication techniques and skills can be developed and improved - this will make anyone's life much easier.

Do you want to receive positivity in the process of communication? It will be useful for you to learn some techniques for increasing the effectiveness of communication:

1. Learn to listen carefully to what they say. You should not just look at the interlocutor during a conversation, but also bend slightly, nod your head, and ask appropriate leading questions. This technique will allow you to understand the interlocutor’s point of view as accurately as possible.
2. Be clear, concise and to the point. The more clearly a thought is formulated, the more likely it is that it will be understood and perceived correctly.
3. Include in your arsenal not only verbal, but also non-verbal communication. Take the same position as the interlocutor, try to use only open gestures, and do not touch your face during the conversation.
4. Watch for the emotional coloring of speech. It should be moderate, but so much so that the interlocutor understands your interest in the issue.
5. Mastering techniques to control your voice allows you to accelerate the development of effective communication. Clear articulation, correct timbre and adjusted volume will make any message positive.
6. Master technical means of communication. Any adult must be able to use the telephone, fax, Skype, by email. Written communication skills should be developed regularly.

These are just basic techniques designed to facilitate and improve interpersonal communication.

Rules for Effective Communication

Anything must meet certain standards. Their violation leads to a lack of understanding between interlocutors, conflicts and even a breakdown in relationships.

Rules for effective communication:

1. Speak the other person's language. This rule should be understood as the need to take into account the level of education, social status, age and other parameters. To be heard and understood, you need to formulate your thoughts based on the characteristics of the audience.
2. Prepare to communicate. If the conversation is not spontaneous, you should find out in advance who you are going to meet with and for what reason. Take visual materials and technical means. Develop a conversation plan.
3. Learn active listening techniques to help put your interlocutor at ease and better understand their point of view.
4. Speak clearly, moderately loudly and confidently, do not draw out your words, but do not repeat them either.
5. When writing a letter, stick to the chosen style.
6. Before calling by phone or Skype, make a plan for the conversation and the issues that need to be discussed in advance.

Ways to communicate effectively

To achieve mutual understanding in the communication process, it is necessary to create conditions and take into account possible ways effective communication. There are six of them in total:

1. Strive to express your thoughts as convincingly as possible. Always keep it brief and to the point, avoid unnecessary verbiage, omissions and possible double interpretations.
2. Use terminology and professionalism only when they are appropriate.
3. Even in everyday communication, jargon and slang expressions should be avoided, especially when it comes to intergenerational communication.
4. Avoid excessive emotional stress, both positive and negative.
5. Try to address yourself personally, by name, scientific or military rank, or by uniting a group of interlocutors with a generally meaningful word.
6. Always follow etiquette.

Nonverbal cues to improve communication

The interlocutors perceive each other not only by ear. Verbal impact can be increased or decreased by a variety of nonverbal cues. Our body sends them to large quantities, and other people read and interpret them on a subconscious level.

To improve, it will be useful to master the techniques of positive nonverbal reinforcement:

1. Always be clean and tidy: even if your clothing does not exactly comply with the dress code, the overall impression of the conversation will be positive.
2. Try to control your facial expressions and emotions. Facial expression should be neutral-positive and react with changes depending on the flow of the conversation.
3. Avoid touching your face during a communicative act - this is subconsciously perceived as an attempt to cover your mouth, and accordingly, your statement is false.
4. Learn to “mirror” the body position of your interlocutor. It is important to do this delicately, without excessive zeal, so as not to look like a caricature.
5. Avoid “closed” poses - crossed arms and legs. This body position indicates an unpreparedness for effective communication. While open palms and a friendly smile can win over any interlocutor.

Conditions for effective communication using technical means

Technological progress has given us new means to facilitate communication. These are telephones, faxes, the Internet. Communication using technology should be built according to the same rules and principles as interpersonal communication. All rules of etiquette and principles of conducting business and personal conversations must be observed.